Things to Say to Get Your Ex Back

Perhaps you aren’t the best at expressing yourself. It doesn’t matter. When finding the right thing to say to get your ex back, being an impressive elocutionist is unimportant. While there is no perfect combination of words to win your ex’s heart again, you can establish a general guideline of what should be said.

Of course, when trying to figure out what you should say in order to get your ex back, we should first consider which things you shouldn’t say when you want to get your ex back.

1. “Please”
Don’t plead, beg, or grovel. This is ineffective and unattractive.

2. “Your fault”
Don’t point fingers. Playing the blame game is exactly what you don’t want to do.

3. “I love you”
If you move too quickly, you will scare your ex off. Treat your ex like a timid cat. Approach slowly and be gradual about your affection. Let them come to you.

4. “I miss you… constantly”
Finally, don’t inundate your ex with constant text messages, emails, and phone calls. Neediness has a stench and your ex will be particularly acute to it.

Now, onto the things to say to get your ex back. The first rule to saying the right thing is positivity. It’s difficult to overestimate the potential of speaking positively in general, but when it comes to your ex, making sure to be pleasant and kind is especially important. (For more details concerning talking points, refer to The Magic of Making Up.)

Talk about mutual interests. Specifically try to think of mutual interests which have a history. Say you both enjoy a certain genre of music and you once went to a concert of that genre together. Bringing up the topic of the music itself is not too touchy, but you are still bringing up those memories for your ex, even subconsciously. Use your words to remind your ex of the good times you’ve had together without actually bringing up those times.

Compliment your ex, but in a gentle, friendly way. There’s no need to ogle or be sycophantic, but letting them know you noticed their new clothing or that you enjoy spending time with them will make your ex enjoy the time s/he spends with you.

Finally, talk about whatever non-relationship topic you would talk about with other friends or family members. In other words, relax and chat like it’s no big deal – because it isn’t. You are two friends who care about one another a lot, no matter what you’ve been through. You need to rebuild the friendship and comfort before you can rebuild the romantic relationship. The best way to do this is through trust and open communication. Share your life with your ex so that s/he will still feel that connection with you, and you are on the way to getting your ex back.

1. Your ex was abusive and/or manipulative

In this sort of a situation, it is never a good idea to get back with your ex. Your breakup is a blessing in disguise. It may not feel that way right now, but no matter how much you love your ex, if s/he is manipulative of your feelings or abusive toward you or your children, seeking to renew a relationship is not the answer to your pain.

If your ex is abusive or manipulative and is trying to guilt or force you into getting back together, you should seek help in your community. Some authority figures you can consult are: the police, an attorney, a psychologist or counselor, or your church leader.

Never put yourself or your children in danger and remember that just because you love someone doesn’t mean they are good for you. Assess the situation realistically and don’t mistake your ex’s pleas to get back together as evidence that s/he has changed past abusive ways.

2. You are angry about the relationship and the breakup

If you harbor resentment or ill will toward your ex, or if s/he holds the same for you, it may not be time to rekindle the flame. Conflicting emotions are to be expected after any breakup, however, if you are overcome by rage toward the past relationship, breakup, or even your ex, the only option you have is to wait.

Restarting the relationship at this point will only cause more problems down the line. Resentment will build and instead of learning and growing from the experience, your relationship will spiral downwards, into more negativity.

You may potentially come to a time when getting back together is a good idea, but while you or your ex are still hot with anger, it’s not yet that time.

3. Your family and friends support the breakup

If post breakup you suddenly hear a litany of, “thank goodness that ended,” from your close family members and friends, it’s probably a sign that the relationship isn’t worth investing any more time in.

We’re not talking about the, “there are more fish in the sea,” and the, “they don’t know what they are losing,” talks. If your friends unanimously chorus that, “your ex was a horrible curmudgeon,” or your family says, “we really didn’t think your ex was right for you,” this is a definite sign.

You trust your family and friends on so many other aspects of your life, and while it may seem too personal or harsh to take their advice in this arena, they know you best and they are looking out for your best interests.

In this situation, trust their instincts and move on to bigger and better things.

4. Your ex has moved on

This reason to not get back with your ex is a little more delicate than the others. For one, your ex is most likely conflicted about the breakup. This can convolute the signs and make it difficult to tell whether or not your ex has really moved on or is just keeping a poker face about the whole ordeal. Secondly, in rare cases, you can potentially win back an ex who has moved on.

However, we can reasonably say that if it is obvious that your ex has moved on, chances are that you should too. If your ex has removed all belongings from your place, refuses to speak to you, has moved away, or is now engaged to someone else, you should refrain from trying to get back together.

5. You are afraid of being alone

If you are clinging to the idea of your relationship continuing on because you are afraid of being alone, it is of great importance that you don’t try to get back with your ex for a good while. Until you are comfortable with being you and being independent, you are not ready for a stable, healthy relationship.

For a relationship to work, there must be two independent identities as well as the identity for the relationship itself. If you have not developed your own identity when you aren’t in a relationship, you most certainly won’t have one within a relationship. The reliance on a relationship identity alone is harmful to many aspects of a partnership and this should be addressed first and foremost.